


Whizzer At The Physiatrist: A Three Part Mini Opera

by ConsiderableLogicality



Series: CRACK [4]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Crack, Dabbing, M/M, Swearing, Wtf is my life, and his coming out story, and this time im going for bill finn, brandon uranowitz, non descriptive sexual humor, oh lordy im back, on the haters, pls forgive me, yknow with the gay porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableLogicality/pseuds/ConsiderableLogicality
Summary: Whizzer decides to see a physiatrist. It goes either very wrong or very right. You decide.





	Whizzer At The Physiatrist: A Three Part Mini Opera

**Author's Note:**

> *laughs maniacally while sobbing*

Jason stepped out onto the stage, and began to sing.

"My father says that love... Is the most beautiful thing in the world... I think Whizzer is... I think Whizzer is the most... bEAUtiful thIIIng... (Platonically) Not... Love..."

Marvin grinned. "Whizzer at the physiatrist: a three part mini opera. Part one."

PART ONE:

"So Whizzer, tell me: how are you feeling today?" Mendel asked, clipboard in hand."

"Well, honestly, not too great..." 

"How so?"

Whizzer sighed. "I've just... I've been really anxious lately."

Mendel frowned. "Why is that?"

"Well, when I was a child, my mother always taught me to dab on the haters."

Mendel nodded knowingly.

"But I've been thinking... What happens when the haters start dabbing back?"

Mendel thought a moment. "That's a difficult question, Whi-"

"MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE, DOCTOR!" Whizzer shouted. "WHEN I WAS A KID, DABBING WAS SO FABULOUS THAT WE CALLED IT A FAB DAB! NOW WHAT?"

Mendel flinched. "Sir, pls don't shout I'm anxious as it is."

PART TWO:

"Alright, let's try something simpler." Mendel suggested. "You are gay, correct?"

"No shit, Sherlock. I'm the Connor McKinley of our generation."

"Don't know who that is, but anyways..."

"He's from a musical."

Mendel raised a brow. "You have an interest in Theatre?"

Whizzer smiled. "It's my passion. I remember when I was little, I used to put on shows with my cousins, I would walk out and belt like Sutton Foster herself."

"So, is that how you came out to your parents?"

"Umm, no. I came out to my parents when they discovered gay porn on my computer."

Mendel burst into laughter. "W-what?"

"Well, I was at my friend Nicole's house choreographing a hip hop dance, an-"

"Seems like a hat on a hat." Mendel quipped.

"Well see, that's why I was shocked, because I thought they already knew but, I got a call when I was like, mid shoulder-brush, from my mother being like, 'Where are you?' and I was like 'I'm at Nicole's house!' and she was like, 'You need to come home now.' And I went home."

Whizzer paused, chuckling. "I can't believe I'm telling this story." 

"Well don't worry, you have complete patient confidentiality, so give me AAALL the details!" 

"So, I went home after we finished the dance. She drove me home in her Infiniti SUV and I walked into the house and it’s pitch black, and I just see the like back-lit shadow of my mother in the corner of the kitchen. She brings me down, and rather than having a nice 'Sweetie, let's talk about this,' she starts bringing up, she starts like opening up all the websites."

"Your mother confronted you on this?"

"She found PORN on the FAMILY COMPUTER. But anyway, I don't know WHAT to do and I'm like: 'Ew what is that? That's disgusting!’ Meanwhile I'm like: 'Yep Tuesday, yep Wednesday, Thursday I didn't do anything, and Friday.' "

Mendel was writing the story down furiously, as though his life depended on it. I think it did.

"And like my dad comes downstairs in HIS tighty-whiteys and is like 'Whiz, If it's yours, just tell us.' "

"If it's YOURS?"

"Well, hold on," Whizzer smirked. "Hold on. They found this, like, weird fax, like a document nobody recognized and l was like: 'Well, oBvIoUsLy someone hacked into our computer!' And they BELIEVED ME."

"Wait, so then how did you ACTUALLY come out to them?"

"Oh. Well, I said "Y'know, I really relate to Dorothy. Because I too am somewhere over the rainbow. Cuz I'm hella gaaay."

Mendel started clapping. "Oh my God that is amazing. You are my new fav client, tell it again!"

PART THREE:

"Some days I don't know why I date Marvin." Whizzer admitted.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Take this morning for example. I was cooking breakfast, when Marvin comes down. Now, he had taken a long time, so I jokingly said, 'Did you have fun jerking off?' And he replies, 'I'm not a masturbator! I just... Like the aesthetic...' "

"Well, that's certainly..."

"We went to a Mexican restaurant the other day. I ordered a quesidilla wrap. Marvin ordered a hamburger. Off the children's menu."

"So, he seems-"

"One time I sneezed and Marvin said 'shut the fuck up' instead of 'bless you'. "

"Wow." Mendel said. "Why ARE you dating Marvin, again?"

"I don't fucking know."

...

A spotlight fell on Jason. "My father says that love... Is the most beautiful thing in the world... I think fan fiction is... I think considerbuttongwinett is the most... bEAUtiful thIIIng... (Why thank you, Jason) Not... Love..."

Marvin sighed. " Whizzer at the physiatrist: a three part mini opera. The end."

**Author's Note:**

> #StopConsiderbuttongwinett2K17


End file.
